Hellblazer by Paul Jenkins issues #96

How do I even begin to explain this issue?

I don't think I can.

So, what I'm going to do instead is be an asshole. I will give you a short recap of events from the first four installments, and then let you read the pages taken directly from this issue. I'm honestly at loss for words, mates. I feel as if I have no business reviewing this issue using my own words because the hat trick John pulled out of his ass is very impressive--in the most disturbing sense possible.

Y'all have to experience it firsthand to believe it.

So, John Constantine is once again being hunted by demons, specifically someone named Buer who also collects children's souls to torture them. Buer wants to bring the First of the Fallen back in hell because First apparently was turned mortal and is now a Greek sailor named Theo. It's a hilarious bit, but that's not the important thing in the story. The important thing is that Buer abducts the boy Sydner, son of one of John's old friends Rich. 

Now Buer will only give back the boy if John agrees to trade his soul for him. Buer also parades around Astra in front of John, just to be a cunt. Now, as I stated before, Astra was the little girl John had condemned to Hell back in Newcastle during Delano's run (it was issue #11, I remember). Buer basically pissed all over that old wound, and after wallowing about his guilt all over again, John finally came up with the greatest fuck-you ever orchestrated in Hellblazer history yet; which for me has officially made John earn this series' title as a Hellblazer indeed!

Hey look, I was serious about posting the pages where he explained the trick, guys. It's so goddamn simple yet complicated at the same time. So go ahead. Read and weep:

This is definitely my favorite moment: It's when First stole John's shtick at the end:

Unfortunately, in doing what he had to do, he ended up damning Ellie, a close friend and ally of his in Hell. So it definitely defeats the purpose of acquiring a guilt-free clean slate right now. Once again, John Constantine has committed yet another awful thing to feel like a piece of shit for. Oh, John. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY!!?

RECOMMENDED: 9/10

Hellblazer by Paul Jenkins issues #93-95

I guess I've really made a habit out of reviewing a slew of Hellblazer issues using a single post as oppose to individual respective reviews. Now I don't think I'll be stopping this format soon because (1) it's convenient to discuss issues back-to-back; (2) I frankly don't feel like explaining everything in detail for each issue at all anymore. Maybe it's because there's something about Paul Jenkins' style of writing that has yet to connect with me. Still, it's not to say that his first major five-parter story arc Critical Mass is boring--it's actually going pretty great so far, and I only have the conclusion issue to review next week. For now, let's briefly tackle what happened in issues #93-95.

John Constantine has started hanging out with an old mate of his during his punk band days named Rich, and the guy has a wife and kid named Michelle and Syder. Meanwhile, somewhere in the burning pits of inferno, a demon named Buer is torturing souls of children. He's also hang up over the absence of the First of the Fallen who was banished as a mortal in Greece where he worked as a sailor. Buer was also a former lackey of the demon Nergal. In case none of you remember who this fucker was, Nergal was the demon whom John had made contact with back in Newcastle, a place where all his guilt stems from. This demon was one John got cocky with, so he didn't bind Nergal properly with his name. In doing so, he ended up damning a little girl (Astra) and her soul to hell. Nergal bit the bullet during the Delano run, but not after he transfused his blood into Constantine's body which is all kinds of gross, but was actually helpful in a few ways. One example was when the King of Vampires tried to suck John's blood and ended up getting poisoned by demon blood instead. That was hilarious. Unfortunately this time around, John having Nergal's blood running through his veins had made him Buer's main target.

Apparently, Buer felt as if John owed him, considering he has his former master's blood coursing through him. See, Buer took over the children torture back in Hell since Nergal died and all, and the work was good because he has a passion and natural talent for making children's souls miserable and forever in agony and torment. However, John had duped the First of the Fallen thrice now, and the last time was by conjuring a series of events where First was officially punished to have a mortal life, banishing him from his realm of Hell for good. Buer takes offense with this because I personally believe First is the love of his life, and John made him go away. So, Buer took the kid Syder and possessed his body so he can make John suffer. Ever the World Expert in Blaming Himself, John nervously informed Rich and Michelle that he may be unable to save his son. He also confessed to the events of Newcastle with Astra. And afterwards John got the worst reaction he never expected:

THEY FORGAVE HIM. Shockingly calm, Rich didn't blame him at all, nor did he get angry. He simply said that he knew John did all he could do for their son, and then he and his wife proceeded to grieve. John was unraveled by this. So then he tried to fix the shit he had let into his friends' quiet and normal lives by going to a place called Abaton. The explanation for what it is wasn't really that clear to me, to be honest. It's a supernatural hub for forgotten people? I don't know, but Robin Hood was there and John exploded on him like a jerk and demanded to know what is going on. Robin was kind enough to inform him Buer has plans to take his soul and offer it to First of the Fallen, who sucked at acquiring it for himself in the first place. How did a one-off character like Robin Hood arrived to this information? Abaton must have been such a gossipy bitch of a town. 

Er, Buer also demanded to take John's soul in exchange for Syder's soul, and John certainly does not want to condemn another child to Hell so now he's in a tight spot. Meanwhile, First of the Fallen joyously poisoned his co-workers in the belief that he is coming home to Hell. Way to jinx your chances, man. Try not to be too confident next time because you still have a hurdle of John Constantine to overcome after all, and that hurdle is never to be underestimated. Anyway, those were issues #93-94 now already, I think. Yeah, I covered the relevant details well enough.

Look. I'm sorry, all right? I know that I'm probably being the worst reviewer ever right now. I've been so lackadaisical in my reviews since my third comics diet started, I know. But I'm not going to continue to be an apologist. It's not my fault that Hellblazer is sort of having a dry spell run for me. Blame the nineties instead!

But also, get over it!

In issue #95, John Constantine teams up with Alistair Crowley who was imprisoned inside magic circles and was bored and a little resentful of John for putting him there? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I didn't miss this guy in the earlier issues of Delano or Ennis, and so I'm also sure that this was the first time he ever made an appearance. But he and John are mates, so John asked for his help and then they got naked together and did some magic stuff. Meanwhile, Rich and Michelle bring their still-possessed son to John's care, and Chas drove them around for a while as Buer (who was still controlling Syder) started making snide remarks concerning Chas' penchant for porn and lack of sex with his obese wife. Just dandy and all. John arrived to a location where Buer's powers are at its height, and he proceeded tormenting John with images of poor Astra even more suffering than when Nergal has her. John is weirdly weepy about everything. And it turns out the reason why he was being a total wimp was because that was not John at all. It was probably Alistair or something. The issue ends with the real John making a deliberate appearance before Buer. Stay tuned for the concluding issue next week, guys.

RECOMMENDED: 7/10

Hellblazer by Paul Jenkins issues #91-92

Newly minted Hellblazer writer for the nineties run Paul Jenkins has yet to impress me, but after smirking through his amusing two-parter about a rainbow snake in Australia, I managed to get two really nice issues from him this time. Once again, I'm combining these issues in one official and succinct review, mostly because IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW I WANT TO WRITE MY REVIEWS, and so with that in mind, let's talk about issues #91-92, both were of course illustrated by Sean Phillips, the constant artist for this series (with the exception of some Garth Ennis issues, I think).

So what was so nice about these issues? Granted, "nice" isn't something one immediately associates a title like Hellblazer with, but stay with me on this one. It'll make sense. Issue #91 featured John Constantine finally back in his homeland, only there was some remnants of the Aboriginal rainbow snake socio-political commentary to be had, comparing and contrasting it to whatever Neo-Nazi, post-colonial, post-civil war or something movement happening in the UK. Again, that's all backdrop and scenery. What this issue was really about was John encountering old mates of his back when he used to be in a punk band named Mucous Membrane. The couple, Rich and Michelle, were more than happy to catch up with John, and they brought along their adorable little bugger of a son named Syder. John was at first feeling awkward about the kid because the last time he was this close to one was when he damned a little girl to hell back in Jamie Delano's defining character moment story arc in Newcastle. But let's not rehash the eighties drama. John and Syder got along quite well, and the sweet child kept using his old man's nickname for John which is "Con-Job". It's all cutesy and fun to see John actually trying to be involved with people he cares about, and not just pass through them, bringing havoc and tragedy. 

NOW I'M NOT SAYING IT WON'T HAPPEN EVENTUALLY. I mean, come on, Constantine has a grimy track record of fucking shit up just because he was there in the wrong place during wrong time; albeit he does so unintentionally. But for now, at least I got to enjoy John and his friends reminiscing about their punk-band days (right before shit hits the fan later).

One of the things John and Rich got to reminisce was their friend Deanie who had a penchant for riding his bike for hours. One memorable acid trip that their group took together, Deanie goes off somewhere in his bike, hoping he could fly, and never to return. Fifteen years later, John found the poor bugger's corpse under a tree with his bike whilst his soul is trapped during a hellscape of civil war where people actually thought his apparition was a witch. For old time's sake, John rescued his soul, not really having the balls to break it to him that he has passed over already. But ultimately it didn't matter to either for them, especially for Deanie who wanted to fly while he is riding his bike--and now he could. It was a pretty poignant moment, and I appreciated the sentiment behind John's final gesture for a lost friend who has, in his own way, found closure.

Issue #92 marks the start of a major story arc for Paul Jenkins entitled Critical Mass, and so far I'm hooked. It picked up with John still hanging out with Rich and his family, while somewhere in Hell a demon named Buer is emo-ing about missing the First of the Fallen whom John has humiliated about three times now. Buer is a clingy piece of shit who seems to have unrequited feelings for First (while he loathes Lucifer Morningstar for abandoning Hell) and he tried to kill the pain of that loss by torturing children, both in their physical and spiritual states. After a while, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to see some witch and offered her a newborn baby so she could help him find the exact location of the First of the Fallen. He was in Greece, playing sailor who is afraid of pain, apparently? He's become mortal now (all thanks to Johnnie). Buer was livid and swore to avenge his lord liege/secret crush by personally delivering to him John Constantine.

Now remember when I said that sooner or later, John is going to fuck shit up, and his loved ones who are bystanders may end up a part of the savage mortality count? Yeah, it happened again like clockwork. This time, Buer targets the boy Syder to get to Constantine. He put himself inside the boy's body, demonic-possession style. And now John has to exorcise Buer out of the kid, no doubt, which would be a grueling process I am not at all looking forward to reading. But this is Hellblazer; and the worst part of it all is that in order to get a compelling story I can emotionally invest on, it's when John Constantine is sacrificing people or losing some bits of his humanity along the way. But that's just the way it goes. That's the familiar tune this series knows best to manipulate and keep playing. Oh, boy, here we go.

RECOMMENDED: 7/10

Hellblazer by Paul Jenkins issues #89-90

I had just finished reading new writer Paul Jenkins' two-parter story in nineties Hellblazer in which readers witness John Constantine's pursuit and eventual and momentous interaction with a rainbow snake while he is slumming it up with the Aborigines in Australia. Yes, I did just write that loaded sentence, and I could just leave it as that. That sentence should suffice as my official review for issues #88-90 because, really, what more can be said? Isn't that statement vivid and colorful enough to make up for whatever arduous length I have planned of this review (which wouldn't be that much, mind you)? Let me be real now: reading Hellblazer after that surprise Delano issue #85 is sort of a little dire and baffling, five issues in. Like, I was properly pissed by Eddie Campbell's forgettable storyline about mad ghosts and murderous cats and whatever fuck-all end-of-the-world crisis Constantine managed to put a stop to. Now we have Paul Jenkins' two-parter which honestly reads like an acid trip. I don't want to get needlessly discriminatory all of a sudden BUT YES THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO NOW.

I think that even Vertigo's Hellblazer series wasn't safe from the general drought that has permeated the comics industry during the nineties. I mean, if I'm simply only basing this observation with Campbell's Warped Notions and Jenkins' two-parter, then, yeah, Hellblazer is sorta sucky at this point. Not that Jenkins' story wasn't compelling. I think there are a few parts of the issues that I enjoyed and even laughed at audibly while my brother is sleeping very comfortably next to me. I had to stare at a few of Sean Phillips' illustrations and just admire them too. I never really took special notice of the artist's work for Hellblazer (and Phillips has been a constant one), but I think I only do so when it's the only worthwhile thing to look at and appreciate in the story. Jamie Delano's writing was far too sublime and heavy in the symbolism at times too that Phillip's visual rendering take a backseat, and I don't get to comment on it as much, but I did so here with Jenkins' mystical exploration of an Australian myth where the 'whiteman' representative John Constantine battles a rainbow snake. 

It's basically like that horror movie Anaconda only while you're tripping balls and laughing at a few things in the background. Or--if you're well-versed in the arts of getting high in horror movies--it's how one should normally watch Anaconda. That's what Jenkins' two-parter story was in a nutshell...and nothing more. 

Now I'm sure there is some socio-political commentary about white man vs. the natives which I can tackle here in the review, but Jenkins' writing doesn't even warrant that. And I'm frankly never going to be in the mood to discuss themes like that for a formulaic, paranormal series. Garth Ennis did a piece like this with Damnation Flame and y'all should know how much I hated the piss out of that. Only Jamie Delano got it right with his clever satirical oneshot piece from an earlier issue. So, I would like to beseech future Hellblazer writers to stop inserting political themes in this series especially if they don't work. Like, oh my god, stop trying to make fetch (or political Hellblazer), guys!

But Mean Girls quote memes are still up-for-grabs!

So after the boring clusterfuck that was Warped Notions, Constantine is still stranded in Australia, and he decided to go on a dreamtime journey with the Aborigines who bemoan the sins of the white man. They paint him in spells and then made him blow a horn so he could fall into a trance and visit the water dwelling of the bitchy rainbow snake who has had enough shit about the white men populating the fertile areas of the Aborigines. I'm surprised John was able to blow that horn, considering how much cancer sticks he smokes a day. But he succeeds traveling in dreams and even gets to talk to a dead kangaroo. What a vision quest, amirite? Things only get serious when crabby-much rainbow snake was totes unwelcoming to John, which was odd because you would think that a cold-blooded reptile named 'rainbow' snake would be all buy-you-all-drinks fun and not a party pooper, but rainbow snake is exactly that. But at least the giant carnivorous fiend looks fab as shit:

This sexy beast should be a mascot for a gay pride parade. I mean, why isn't it already?

I have nothing more to say about this story. You can read the issues for yourself and leave me alone!

FINE, FINE, STILL RECOMMENDED: 7/10

Hellblazer by Jamie Delano issue #84

Welcome back, everyone! It's officially the third wave of my Hellblazer comics diet, and it feels so good to be back, reading more of my most favorite troubled anti-hero, John Constantine. And what better way to start the diet than with a surprise Jamie Delano issue? In case you guys have forgotten (which is understandable since I haven't been reading/reviewing Hellblazer since August of last year), Jamie Delano is the first writer of the series itself, and he was succeeded by Garth Ennis since my second wave of Hellblazer reviews came around. 

I considered it a pleasant surprise only because I've developed a rather keen Stockholm Syndrome with Delano. I was held captive by his black comedy prose where he would often abuse me with a buttload of hurtful feels. I was so used to how much it hurts when I read Hellblazer that I don't think I would ever enjoy this series if it didn't make me feel like something is stabbing me in the chest or something. That's just how it goes.

Luckily for me, this eighty-fourth issue was an amusing standalone. And by "amusing", I'm also taking into account that Delano's signature penchant for the macabre and terrible is still a huge part  of it. This entire issue reminded me of his classic storylines back when he was still writing Hellblazer where humor and terror blended very well with each other. Issue #84 is entitled In Another Part of Hell, and man is it fucked up and super gross in a lot of places!

The last time we left John Constantine: he just broke up with arguably the love of his life Kit Ryan, became a drunken hobo and slummed it up with a sympathetic boy whore, killed the King of Vampires, got involved with some nasty racial strife in the streets, and finally duped the Devil for the third time (because the First of the Fallen is a real schmuck). Things hopefully will start looking up for Constantine this time. He hailed a cab driven by his best mate Chas Chandler, who was happy to see him again even though they had a recent falling-out post-Kit break-up. Chas also told John about his sixteen-year-old daughter getting knocked up and giving birth to a girl, and that Chas wanted John to be there and make nice with the family. John was not thrilled by the idea, considering he's going to have to deal with the missus, Trish, who never really liked him and will forever hold John responsible for all the shit in Chas' life every time he's around. She's not exactly wrong about that.

So Chas dropped off John in their house otherwise known as the Queen's Castle for reasons that John was just about to flashback to for readers' benefit. It turns out that Chas used to have a psychic, manipulative, and malicious mother named Queenie who would cast mischievous spells just to make Chas' life miserable. John was young and inexperienced as a mage and occultist then, and was essentially frightful of Queenie. He was living with Chas at that time because he had no place to go, and so Queenie started to have a little fun with John by having her familiar--a female monkey in a wig and a dress named Slag--spy him and torment him. Chas had complained and sought John's help about his mother and that damn monkey, and John was determined to help Chas; only because he wanted to gain the other bloke's trust because back then John considered friends as 'valuable' because they can be useful to his advantage. Constantine was young, jaded but thoroughly ambitious and filled with potentials. Getting rid of Queenie is a stepping stone for further greatness, I suppose.

The most unsettling aspect of this story was the blatant yet pseudo-bestiality between John and the monkey Slag, only because John tried to seduce the monkey herself and make her believe that John was developing feelings for her. John truly showcased superb acting skills that even Chas bought it! And unfortunately for Slag, so did she. It was pretty brutal--seeing John strangle and drown a monkey by the riverbanks just so he can mentally incapacitate Queenie and her magic since Slag is her familiar. It demonstrated just how ruthless John was then and how he would continue to be that way for the next years to come as his power go stronger. So John relived these memories while he waited for the Chandler family to come home. Trish was not pleased to see him again while Chas's daughter and grandchild felt differently. The issue ended with John begging them not to name the child 'Queenie'. It was delivered in a joking manner but we all know damn well he is serious. Queenie is finally gone, thanks to John's meddling, but he willingly admitted that the method he used to get rid of her was more than questionable and he will have to live with that, like most of his mistakes. What a fabulous way to start this comics diet wave!

RECOMMENDED: 8/10