Hellblazer by Garth Ennis issue #55

"What are you gonna do, John?" 

"What I always do: screw them before they screw me."

On that delightful note, let's talk about the conclusion of Garth Ennis' Royal Blood story arc which has been mildly amusing and predictable but still entertaining enough to keep me reading and see through the ending. This wouldn't be an arc I would consider as one of the finest but it definitely marked the new John Constantine who just happens to be more relaxed and optimistic than usual. Whatever personal baggage he may have had in Delano's run was not carried during this case which gave him an advantage because he has operated with a clear head to get himself out of this mess. 

And what a fucking heap of hot mess it was! Johnny sure knows how to pick 'em all right.

The previous issue ended with the possessed royal jerk jumping on John and taking a juicy bite out of his shoulder. Luckily l, Marstan's henchman was quick enough to draw his weapon and he gave the monster the bullet-on-the-kneecaps treatment. Afterwards, very stupid characters making stupid-ass decisions followed. I'm referring to goddamn Marstan, of course, who was the one who performed that satanic ritual to summon Calibraxis in the first place then hires John to clean up the mess. Marstan thinks he can control the demon and put a crowned prince in the British throne who also happens to be demonically possessed. Marstan has lofty ambitions to rule England the archaic way; by absolute evil monarchy and some shit like that. For some reasons, he thinks he can scare Constantine to submission. Just because Marstan had some experience with the occult he think he knows what he's up against.

John does and so, in a twist that everyone saw coming, he exorcises Calibraxis from the crowned prince (I'm assuming at this point that he is next in line for the throne but we never really got names) and commands Calibraxis to possess Marstan instead as John handcuffs him to a post and the rest watch Marstan eat himself. My favorite part was when he went for his fucking cock. That was a nice touch, Mr. Ennis because god knows we don't have enough sick stuff in this series. John didn't do this horrible thing out of some sadistic impulse. Marstan deserves to die via self-cannibalism while under demonic possession, okay? That's poetic justice at work. The clincher is when his soul was taken to hell and is now roomies with Sir William Gull, who we know from the last two issues as Jack the Ripper himself. That is the scrumptious cherry on top of this crap sundae that was Marstan's face. Good on you, John. You did the public a hefty service for punishing that disgusting bastard.

Really, though, did it not occur to Marstan that John fucking Constantine is no ordinary man and can unwittingly condemn him in hell just for being a vulgar jerkface cunt? Well, now he learned that lesson the hard way. John may be in a healthy relationship right now with a woman and has stopped hating himself but he's still the same sly motherfucker who will not hesitate to commit a heinous act to put a monster down. So, yeah, good on you, Johnny. This ends the Royal Blood arc with the knowledge and comfort that the bad guys got their due. Can you believe that the actual demon Calibraxis is the least evil character here? I can. This is Hellblazer after all.

RECOMMENDED: 8/10

Hellblazer by Garth Ennis issue #54

Wait, hold the fucking Satanic bible for a sec, is this really John Constantine I'm reading?  The man has been so helpful since this arc began. He actually gives a damn about people in this story even if said people are worthless pieces of shit who deserve what's coming to them, in my own brutally honest opinion. I think this positive change of attitude may have something to do with the fact that John has thankfully also cut back the self-loathing and self-harming habits for once, and is now focused on doing his job sans personal baggage dragging him now. And it's obviously because he's in a healthy relationship with a woman who actually understands where he comes from and how damaged he is. I like this John Constantine. He's personable and sharper than ever. 

Continuing with the second to the last installment or the Royal Blood arc, John invites us for some drink as he tells us a story about the Jack the Ripper; only this version of the tale is grittier and much more unsettling than the public accounts released by the media. Apparently it all started with yet another royal jerk-off who got it on with a prostitute. This jerk-off happens to be one of the grandsons of Queen Victoria herself, if you can believe it. She was displeased about this proclivity and so had the entire affair covered up with the help of a doctor named Sir William Gull who lobotomized said whore so she won't reveal the dirty and then they confined her in a loony bin. Her other prostitute friends tried to blackmail the government about this secret so some Freemasons got together for the ultimate circle jerk and summoned a demon, as most sane people ought to do. They then bound this demon to Gull because he was such a candy-ass and they needed someone with balls to kill, and this demon got that job done and compelled Gull to become the Ripper and slash and hack whores all across London. Because, Victorian era.

Now this sounds an awful lot like a mouthful of mere conspiracy theory, I know, but John knows what he's talking about. After all, he got this story from a necrophilic senior Freemasoner whom John caught sexing up a corpse one time. He had pictures of said class act. With that trustworthy resource, John's psychic friend insisted that they reveal this to the British public but John outright refuses. He only cares about stopping the demon Calibraxis from murdering people, especially when he just had the royal prick he possessed freaking bite a chunk of a child's face last time they checked. Some confrontations occur with John being back in Caligula to talk to Marston about how to find Calibraxis and the unfortunate sod he possessed. Oh, and we also just read that Marston totes is gonna have John killed once he solved the case because he's an ungrateful bastard. Kill John Constantine? Like that's ever gonna happen.

Calibraxis, however, decided to crash the Caligula Club with some handy and old-fashioned cannibalism so he can confront Constantine for himself. He doesn't care that killing John would mean raging a war in hell since three hell-lords have a legitimate claim on John's soul after that whole Dangerous Habits ordeal went down last time. And then the issue ends in a cliffhanger where he jumped John and the land on the floor. He apparently was biting John by the shoulder while this happened. I am definitely gonna read the next issue to see what happens next, but right after I post this review.

RECOMMENDED: 8/10

Hellblazer by Garth Ennis issue #53

There's an exclusive hedonistic club for the affluent called the Caligula Club where general sick fuckos who also happen to be people who can afford to indulge in unusual and disturbing cravings flock together to let off a little steam and be disgusting about it as possible. During a botched satanic ritual one night, a very powerful demon possessed a member of the royal British family and said jerk-off starts going on a killing spree like he's suddenly the leading role for a darker and more heftily twisted version of The Hangover.

If drunken negligence is mixed with horrific cannabalism, that is. Our titular hero was hired by one of the Caligula clients named Marstan and John decided to help out because nothing pisses him more than rich dickheads getting their rocks off via bloody mayhem. It's a simple act of public service, really. It's only natural for John to feel obliged.

In this issue, as the second installment of the arc known as Royal Blood, we continue with the investigation of the case in the most formulaic way conceivable. John interviews some of the suspect's chums, gets confronted by the suspect's asshole brother and then he hires a psychic to help them contact the souls of the poor sods who were mutilated and eaten by the demon who possessed the suspect. It went as well as anyone would hope. The seance performed by John's psychic acquaintance brought forth the souls, all right, who named the demon that took them to Hell.

The demon's name is Calibraxis and it's one proud motherfucker. After all, he had bragging rights on Jack the Ripper. Yep, Calibraxis claims to have a hand on the infamous string of Whitechapel murders back in the day. If John is impressed, it doesn't show. What did show is the stupid, silly grin he gets on his face right after meeting his girlfriend Kit who is just awesome and makes him very happy. Kit may not approve of his vocation but she's someone he comes home to, and when your life consist of demon hauntings and the worst filth and scum humanity has to offer, it helps to have a loved one to hold your hand through it all, and that's what John has with Kit Ryan. So this issue was okay. I was amused the entire time. Not exactly top-shelf quality, storyline-wise, but it will do for now.

RECOMMENDED: 7/10

Hellblazer by Garth Ennis issue #52

Garth Ennis takes the reigns full-time starting with this issue. In this issue of Hellblazer, John Constantine wakes up happy. He was actually freaking happy. Seeing a smile on Johnny's face is odd for me because I was so used to him being such a complete downer in the past issues, what with damning a girl's soul to hell, getting a few of his chums killed and almost dying because of terminal lung cancer and all that. Such shitty events are enough to get someone depressed for a lifetime. But now, my baby has got something to smile about. And it's a lady. He's been shacking up with the lovely Kit who also happens to be the former lady-love of his late close friend. 

John was at first hesitant to get it on with her, given his track record of getting his girlfriends into trouble but Kit proves to be worth that risk. So now John has someone to look forward to seeing and enjoy spending time with. Good for Johnny. The man could use the break from the darkness and pain.

Speaking of darkness and pain: John Constantine once again has trouble finding him, this time in a form of an acquaintance named Marstan; some wealthy motherfucker who participates in questionable and depraved activities in an exclusive club for fellow money-spenders who have bizarre appetites and can afford to indulge in the debauchery of such. John was taken to said establishment and has to see for himself the extent of these indulgences which quickly puts him in a sour mood. 

Marstan seeks to employ him because of his expertise in the occult and he took John to a crime scene with turned out to be a botched summoning ritual of some sort. Nothing more annoying than some stuck-up priveleged asshole trying his hand on satanic rituals, that's what I find and John looked pissed about this current predicament. Upon discretion, Marstan wants to hire him to secure the location of one of their clientele who turned out to be a member of the royal family.  Whoope-doo?

This client has been involved in gruesome murders for this story. He's been hacking his way through the city, leaving entrails and other disgusting mutilated body parts and possibly feeding on them too while he's at it. I think John is sort of intrigued as to the identity of this illustrious client which is probably the only reason he is agreeing to the job. Cleaning up scum is a civil duty for this paranormal detective. Unfortunately, Kit is not a supporter of John's proclivities. She loves him and is totes cool about him moving in with her but she's not having any of the bad juju that entails being with John Constantine. I wonder how this is going to affect their relationship. I'm hoping there's a compromise because I like Kit and she makes John happy. Freaking John Constantine is happy and that in itself is a noteworthy accomplishment. So, yeah. John is looking for a royal prince or duke or something who happens to be serial-killing around and may or may not be possessed by a demon. Yay? Sounds interesting enough and not exactly a bad start for Garth Ennis' run after Dangerous Habits arc. 

RECOMMENDED: 7/10