Monday, May 9, 2016

Hellblazer by Paul Jenkins issues #96

How do I even begin to explain this issue?

I don't think I can.

So, what I'm going to do instead is be an asshole. I will give you a short recap of events from the first four installments, and then let you read the pages taken directly from this issue. I'm honestly at loss for words, mates. I feel as if I have no business reviewing this issue using my own words because the hat trick John pulled out of his ass is very impressive--in the most disturbing sense possible.

Y'all have to experience it firsthand to believe it.

So, John Constantine is once again being hunted by demons, specifically someone named Buer who also collects children's souls to torture them. Buer wants to bring the First of the Fallen back in hell because First apparently was turned mortal and is now a Greek sailor named Theo. It's a hilarious bit, but that's not the important thing in the story. The important thing is that Buer abducts the boy Sydner, son of one of John's old friends Rich. 

Now Buer will only give back the boy if John agrees to trade his soul for him. Buer also parades around Astra in front of John, just to be a cunt. Now, as I stated before, Astra was the little girl John had condemned to Hell back in Newcastle during Delano's run (it was issue #11, I remember). Buer basically pissed all over that old wound, and after wallowing about his guilt all over again, John finally came up with the greatest fuck-you ever orchestrated in Hellblazer history yet; which for me has officially made John earn this series' title as a Hellblazer indeed!

Hey look, I was serious about posting the pages where he explained the trick, guys. It's so goddamn simple yet complicated at the same time. So go ahead. Read and weep:

This is definitely my favorite moment: It's when First stole John's shtick at the end:

Unfortunately, in doing what he had to do, he ended up damning Ellie, a close friend and ally of his in Hell. So it definitely defeats the purpose of acquiring a guilt-free clean slate right now. Once again, John Constantine has committed yet another awful thing to feel like a piece of shit for. Oh, John. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY!!?


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